For anyone that hasn't seen it; Glenn Beck sits down for a full hour with Lord Christopher Monckton and Former UN Ambassador John Bolton to discuss what the Global Climate Treaty means for America and why it should concern you.
There are five parts, but you can access them all from the same video.
Previously:
Evaluation: Is Obama Poised to Cede US Sovereignty?
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Joke Of The Day: Halloween Jokes
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...
Two Musicians One Guitar
The entertainment for this weekend: Fernando Lima and Cecilia Siqueira (Duo Siqueira Lima) performing Tico Tico no Fuba (Zequinha de Abreu).
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Sarah Palin: Boehner’s Health Care Address Is A Game Changer
Sarah Palin is urging everyone to tune into the weekly GOP national address. She says it will be a game changer.
God Bless Sarah Palin... She is one of US!
God Bless Sarah Palin... She is one of US!
Mark my words - tomorrow is the game changer! Tune in to hear common sense solutions that bury the false accusations that conscientious members of Congress have no solutions to meet America's health care challenges.
If you're like me, shaking your head wondering why all the miscommunication between Washington and the American people who have been saying, "Please hear what we're saying about our desire for health care reform," then tomorrow will be a refreshing time of clarity for all.
All Americans, and especially colleagues of House Republican Leader John Boehner: please listen to tomorrow's weekly GOP national address. Rep. Boehner will highlight a common sense alternative to Speaker Pelosi's 1,990-page government takeover of health care. I urge you to watch for it. For a preview, go to: http://HealthCare.GOP.gov
You'll hear solutions. You'll hear of real choices based on America's proven free-market principles. You'll know once and for all what the GOP and Independents have been saying all along about alternatives to another big government take over. After tomorrow, you'll know that accusations against the GOP and Independents for not providing solutions are false. Those claims are bogus. There are alternatives. Tune in to Rep. Boehner's address tomorrow to hear them.
I look forward to the game changer!
- Sarah Palin
Source...
Michelle Bachman on Pelosi Health Care Bill: "This Is the Crown Jewel of Socialism"
Rep. Michelle Bachman is calling all Americans to join her on the steps of the Capital Building in Washington DC on Thursday November 5th to stop "The Crown Jewel of Socialism" - the Democrat's bill to take over the healthcare industry.
Bachman joined Hannity on October 30 to discuss this massive power grab.
May God help us all!
Bachman joined Hannity on October 30 to discuss this massive power grab.
May God help us all!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Charles Krauthammer: The Three Envelopes
Nail meet head!
Old Soviet joke:
Moscow, 1953. Stalin calls in Khrushchev.
"Niki, I'm dying. Don't have much to leave you. Just three envelopes. Open them, one at a time, when you get into big trouble."
A few years later, first crisis. Khrushchev opens envelope 1: "Blame everything on me. Uncle Joe."
A few years later, a really big crisis. Opens envelope 2: "Blame everything on me. Again. Good luck, Uncle Joe."
Third crisis. Opens envelope 3: "Prepare three envelopes."
In the Barack Obama version, there are 50 or so such blame-Bush free passes before the gig is up. By my calculation, Obama has already burned through a good 49. Is there anything he hasn't blamed George W. Bush for? The economy, global warming, the credit crisis, Middle East stalemate, the deficit, anti-Americanism abroad -- everything but swine flu.
It's as if Obama's presidency hasn't really started. He's still taking inventory of the Bush years. Just this Monday, he referred to "long years of drift" in Afghanistan in order to, I suppose, explain away his own, well, yearlong drift on Afghanistan.
This compulsion to attack his predecessor is as stale as it is unseemly. Obama was elected a year ago. He became commander in chief two months later. He then solemnly announced his own "comprehensive new strategy" for Afghanistan seven months ago. And it was not an off-the-cuff decision. "My administration has heard from our military commanders, as well as our diplomats," the president assured us. "We've consulted with the Afghan and Pakistani governments, with our partners and our NATO allies, and with other donors and international organizations" and "with members of Congress. "
Obama is obviously unhappy with the path he himself chose in March. Fine. He has every right -- indeed duty -- to reconsider. But what Obama is reacting to is the failure of his own strategy.
There is nothing new here. The history of both the Afghanistan and Iraq wars is a considered readjustment of policies that have failed. In each war, quick initial low-casualty campaigns toppled enemy governments. In the subsequent occupation stage, two policy choices presented themselves: the light or heavy "footprint."
In both Iraq and Afghanistan, we initially chose the light footprint. For obvious reasons: less risk and fewer losses for our troops, while reducing the intrusiveness of the occupation and thus the chances of creating an anti-foreigner backlash that would fan an insurgency.
This was the considered judgment of our commanders at the time, most especially Centcom commander (2003-2007) Gen. John Abizaid. And Abizaid was no stranger to the territory. He speaks Arabic and is a scholar of the region. The overriding idea was that the light footprint would minimize local opposition.
It was a perfectly reasonable assumption, but it proved wrong. The strategy failed. Not just because the enemy proved highly resilient but because the allegiance of the population turned out to hinge far less on resentment of foreign intrusiveness (in fact the locals came to hate the insurgents -- al-Qaeda in Iraq, the Taliban in Afghanistan -- far more than us) than on physical insecurity, which made them side with the insurgents out of sheer fear.
What they needed, argued Gen. David Petraeus against much Pentagon brass opposition, was population protection, i.e., a heavy footprint.
In Iraq, the heavy footprint -- also known as the surge -- dramatically reversed the fortunes of war. In Afghanistan, where it took longer for the Taliban to regroup, the failure of the light footprint did not become evident until more recently when an uneasy stalemate began to deteriorate into steady Taliban advances.
That's where we are now in Afghanistan. The logic of a true counterinsurgency strategy there is that whatever resentment a troop surge might occasion pales in comparison with the continued demoralization of any potential anti-Taliban elements unless they receive serious and immediate protection from U.S.-NATO forces.
In other words, Obama is facing the same decision on Afghanistan that Bush faced in late 2006 in deciding to surge in Iraq.
In both places, the deterioration of the military situation was not the result of "drift," but of considered policies that seemed reasonable, cautious and culturally sensitive at the time, but ultimately turned out to be wrong.
Which is evidently what Obama now thinks of the policy choice he made on March 27.
He is to be commended for reconsidering. But it is time he acted like a president and decided. Afghanistan is his. He's used up his envelopes.
Source...
Rush Limbaugh: Pelosi Is a Liar and Should Go to Jail
Rush Limbaugh reacted to Namcy Pelosi's outrageous announcement that her government run health care plan was 'deficit neutral."
Rush says this liar should go to jail and that Bernie Madoff is small fry compared to the theft going on in Washington today.
As usual Rush is right on. Lock her and the rest of them up and throw away the key!
Rush says this liar should go to jail and that Bernie Madoff is small fry compared to the theft going on in Washington today.
As usual Rush is right on. Lock her and the rest of them up and throw away the key!
Joke Of The Day
Once upon a time there were two brothers.One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Butch the Prize Winner
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
A Germans View on Islam
This is by far the best explanation of the Muslim terrorist situation I have ever read. His reference to past history is accurate and clear. Not long, easy to understand, and well worth the read. The author of this email is Dr. Emanuel Tanay, a well known and well respected psychiatrist.
Pass it on!
Pass it on!
A German's View on Islam
A man, whose family was German aristocracy prior to World War II, owned a number of large industries and estates. When asked how many German people were true Nazis, the answer he gave can guide our attitude toward fanaticism. “Very few people were true Nazis,” he said, “but many enjoyed the return of German pride, and many more were too busy to care. I was one of those who just thought the Nazis were a bunch of fools. So, the majority just sat back and let it all happen. Then, before we knew it, they owned us, and we had lost control, and the end of the world had come. My family lost everything. I ended up in a concentration camp and the Allies destroyed my factories.”
We are told again and again by 'experts' and 'talking heads' that Islam is the religion of peace, and that the vast majority of Muslims just want to live in peace. Although this unqualified assertion may be true, it is entirely irrelevant. It is meaningless fluff, meant to make us feel better, and meant to somehow diminish the spectra of fanatics rampaging across the globe in the name of Islam.
The fact is that the fanatics rule Islam at this moment in history... It is the fanatics who march.. It is the fanatics who wage any one of 50 shooting wars worldwide... It is the fanatics who systematically slaughter Christian or tribal groups throughout Africa and are gradually taking over the entire continent in an Islamic wave... It is the fanatics who bomb, behead, murder or honor-kill... It is the fanatics who take over mosque after mosque... It is the fanatics who zealously spread the stoning and hanging of rape victims and homosexuals... It is the fanatics who teach their young to kill and to become suicide bombers.
The hard quantifiable fact is that the peaceful majority, the 'silent majority,' is cowed and extraneous. Communist Russia was comprised of Russians who just wanted to live in peace, yet the Russian Communists were responsible for the murder of about 20 million people. The peaceful majority were irrelevant.
China's huge population was peaceful as well, but Chinese Communists managed to kill a staggering 70 million people. The average Japanese individual prior to World War II was not a war mongering sadist. Yet, Japan murdered and slaughtered its way across South East Asia in an orgy of killing that included the systematic murder of 12 millionChinese civilians; most killed by sword, shovel, and bayonet.
And who can forget Rwanda which collapsed into butchery. Could it not be said that the majority of Rwandans were 'peace loving'? History lessons are often incredibly simple and blunt, yet for all our powers of reason we often miss the most basic anduncomplicated of points: Peace-loving Muslims have been made irrelevant by their silence. Peace-loving Muslims willbecome our enemy if they don't speak up, because like my friend from Germany, they will awaken one day andfind that the fanatics own them, and the end of their world will have begun.
Peace-loving Germans, Japanese, Chinese, Russians, Rwandans, Serbs, Afghans, Iraqis, Palestinians, Somalis,Nigerians, Algerians and many others have died because the peaceful majority did not speak up until it was too late. As for us who watch it all unfold, we must pay attention to the only group that counts; the fanatics who threaten our way of life.
Lastly, anyone who doubts that the issue is serious and just deletes this email without sending it on is contributing to the passiveness that allows the problems to expand. So, extend yourself a bit and send this on and on and on! Let us hope that thousands, world wide, read this and think about it, and send it on before it's too late.
Emanuel Tanay, M.D.
2980 Provincial St. Ann Arbor, MI 48104
734-997-0256
Joke Of The Day
A duck walked into a hardware store and asked the man behind the counter, “Do you have any gwapes?”The man replied, “Uh…no.” The duck turned around and left.
The next day the same duck came back and asked the same man, “Do you have any gwapes?”
The man, getting quickly irritated, said, “No, we do not have any grapes! And, if you come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I’m gonna staple your feet to the floor!”
The duck quickly waddled out of the store. The next day the duck came back and stepped up to the same man and asked, “Do you have any staples?”
The man shouted, “No!”
Then the duck said, “Do you have any gwapes?”
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Halloween Groaners
Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo-boos.
What kind of cereal do monsters eat? Ghost Toasties.
What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween? Twick or tweet.
Where do spooks water ski? Lake Erie.
Where do ghosts mail their letters? The Ghost Office.
What's a ghost's favorite carnival ride? The roller ghoster.
How do you mend a broken Jack-O-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone.
Why was the mummy so tense? He was all wound up.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
What do goblins mail while on vacation? Ghostcards.
What's a ghost's favorite party game? Hide and go shriek.
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet? Boo-ties.
What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? You look boo-tiful tonite.
What is a ghosts favorite article of clothing? Boo jeans.
What does a ghost put on his cereal? Boonanas and booberries.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up.
What is a monster's favorite snack? Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What did the skeleton say while riding his motorcycle? I'm bone to be wild.
Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist. Because he likes to draw blood.
What is a vampire's favorite candy? A red sucker.
What do ghosts put in their coffee? Scream and sugar.
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.
What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spookgetti.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why was the ghost such a messy eater? Because he was always goblin his food.
What tops off a ghosts ice cream sundae? Whipped scream.
What's a mummies favorite type of music? Wrap.
What song do vampires hate? You Are My Sunshine.
What type of monster really loves dance music? The Boogieman.
Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? Someplace he can boo-gie.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal event? A boo-tie.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license.
Where did the goblin throw the football? Over the ghoul line.
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A toasty ghostie.
What kind of makeup do goblins wear? Mas-scare-a.
Which building do vampires hang out at in New York? The Vampire State Building.
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon? A sour puss.
Which instrument do skeletons play? The trom-bone.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.
How do you know vampires like baseball? Every night they turn into bats.
What is it like to be kissed by a vampire? A real pain in the neck.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.
What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.
What do you call a witch's garage? A broom closet.
Why don't mummies take vacations? They're afraid to relax and unwind.
Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos, of course.
What kind of dog does Dracula have? A bloodhound.
Why did the vampire quit the baseball team? They would only let him be the bat boy.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make? Boo-boos.
What kind of cereal do monsters eat? Ghost Toasties.
What does Tweety Bird say on Halloween? Twick or tweet.
Where do spooks water ski? Lake Erie.
Where do ghosts mail their letters? The Ghost Office.
What's a ghost's favorite carnival ride? The roller ghoster.
How do you mend a broken Jack-O-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone.
Why was the mummy so tense? He was all wound up.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
What do goblins mail while on vacation? Ghostcards.
What's a ghost's favorite party game? Hide and go shriek.
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet? Boo-ties.
What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? You look boo-tiful tonite.
What is a ghosts favorite article of clothing? Boo jeans.
What does a ghost put on his cereal? Boonanas and booberries.
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up.
What is a monster's favorite snack? Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What did the skeleton say while riding his motorcycle? I'm bone to be wild.
Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist. Because he likes to draw blood.
What is a vampire's favorite candy? A red sucker.
What do ghosts put in their coffee? Scream and sugar.
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.
What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spookgetti.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why was the ghost such a messy eater? Because he was always goblin his food.
What tops off a ghosts ice cream sundae? Whipped scream.
What's a mummies favorite type of music? Wrap.
What song do vampires hate? You Are My Sunshine.
What type of monster really loves dance music? The Boogieman.
Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? Someplace he can boo-gie.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal event? A boo-tie.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license.
Where did the goblin throw the football? Over the ghoul line.
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A toasty ghostie.
What kind of makeup do goblins wear? Mas-scare-a.
Which building do vampires hang out at in New York? The Vampire State Building.
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon? A sour puss.
Which instrument do skeletons play? The trom-bone.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.
How do you know vampires like baseball? Every night they turn into bats.
What is it like to be kissed by a vampire? A real pain in the neck.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.
What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.
What do you call a witch's garage? A broom closet.
Why don't mummies take vacations? They're afraid to relax and unwind.
Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the boos, of course.
What kind of dog does Dracula have? A bloodhound.
Why did the vampire quit the baseball team? They would only let him be the bat boy.
The Warrior Song
The Warrior Song is now available on iTunes. All profits donated to the Armed Forces Relief Trust.
Joke Of The Day
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate."Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A Little Known Fact About Mahatma Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Joke Of The Day: A True Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while
we were pushing it!'
Monday, October 26, 2009
How to Shoot an Anvil 200 Feet in the Air
Gay Wilkinson enjoys blowing anvils more than 100 feet in the air. So much so that he is a world champion at the activity.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Joke Of The Day
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear,
''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
Sunday, October 25, 2009
New Direction for the War On Terror
This is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier.
New Direction for the war on terrorists: "Send Prior-Service Vets over 60"
New Direction for the war on terrorists: "Send Prior-Service Vets over 60"
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m...
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on the border and we will have it secured the first night.
Joke Of The Day
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
A Flowchart to Determine What Religion You Should Follow
If you are looking for guidance, this flowchart will lead you in the right direction.
Source...
Source...
Charles Krauthammer: "The Stimulus (Package) Is A Bust," and It Ballooned the Deficit
Krauthammer's two statements come near the middle and then at the end of this clip.
Also, listen to the hilarious line by Steve Hayes regarding either losing or not gaining 30 lbs. That is a perfect synopsis of how foolish the Obama Administration's "saved or created jobs" mantra has been.
Also, listen to the hilarious line by Steve Hayes regarding either losing or not gaining 30 lbs. That is a perfect synopsis of how foolish the Obama Administration's "saved or created jobs" mantra has been.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Joke Of The Day
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”
Black and White
This was written by a black gentleman in Texas with a great sense of humor and creativity!
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin' COLORED folks?
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin' COLORED folks?
Welcome to Government Health Care
Huge lines of people were forced to wait outside in the rain for flu shots at Cedarburg High School in Wisconsin.
Here are more pictures from The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel photo essay.
Hat tip Gateway Pundit
Mike O'Keefe thinks a health care overhaul would lead to more long lines like the flu shot lines at Cedarburg High School.
Here are more pictures from The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel photo essay.
Hat tip Gateway Pundit
Friday, October 23, 2009
Joke Of The Day
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can can that hand-waving stuff. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'."
Thursday, October 22, 2009
3-D Halloween ObamaCare Horror Show
Watch this with or without red & blue 3-d glasses, and see the coming attractions of what Obama's horrific health care will do to you.
Michael Moschen performs The Triangle
Master juggler Michael Moschen performs his incredibly famous, jaw-dropping piece where three balls and a triangle become a musical and visual work of art.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Joke Of The Day
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?
"The Colonel says, "I need you to change the Lord's prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." The Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales the Colonel panics and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
This time the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." The Colonel hangs up again.
After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate and calls the Pope again. "This is my final offer your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
The next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Joke Of The Day: Prince Charles
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog"
FOX News Panel: Barack Obama's "Stupid" War On FOX News and the US Chamber of Commerce
This is a terrific discussion of the Barack Hussein Obama White House's "stupid" decision to declare war on FOX News and the US Chamber of Commerce.
As Obama's "Enemies List" grows exponentially, his wholly false campaign rhetoric of supposedly uniting the country and leaving behind the politics of division is revealed as the joke most knew it to be then.
Krauthammer is especially good here with his discussion of Team Obama's "gutter" politics and "search and destroy" methods that are only hastening to put the lie to Obama's supposedly-unifying 2008 campaign message.
As Obama's "Enemies List" grows exponentially, his wholly false campaign rhetoric of supposedly uniting the country and leaving behind the politics of division is revealed as the joke most knew it to be then.
Krauthammer is especially good here with his discussion of Team Obama's "gutter" politics and "search and destroy" methods that are only hastening to put the lie to Obama's supposedly-unifying 2008 campaign message.
Bananas
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals;
A Lion A Chimp A Giraffe ....AND... A Squirrel
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully…
Try and answer within 30 seconds.!
Got your answer?
Here is your analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Tax Poem
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words
Upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me
to my doom...'
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
Put these words
Upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me
to my doom...'
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Karl Rove: Is Obama Deliberately Destabilizing Afghanistan?
Great stuff here from former George W. Bush's top political aide Karl Rove.
Rahm Emanuel, in an increasingly-embarrassing and ineffective Team Obama strategy, attempted to pass the buck on the lackluster Obama Administration Afghanistan/Pakistan strategy to George W. Bush. Yawn!
Rove puts Rahm and the rest of the Obama-istas in their proper place. Among the highlights:
* Why are David Axelrod and Robert Gibbs in war strategy meetings?
* What's up with James Carville helping Hamid Karzai's political opponent?
* Is Barack Obama and his team destabilizing Afghanistan with their policies?
* Team Bush's Afghanistan accomplishments.
Rahm Emanuel, in an increasingly-embarrassing and ineffective Team Obama strategy, attempted to pass the buck on the lackluster Obama Administration Afghanistan/Pakistan strategy to George W. Bush. Yawn!
Rove puts Rahm and the rest of the Obama-istas in their proper place. Among the highlights:
* Why are David Axelrod and Robert Gibbs in war strategy meetings?
* What's up with James Carville helping Hamid Karzai's political opponent?
* Is Barack Obama and his team destabilizing Afghanistan with their policies?
* Team Bush's Afghanistan accomplishments.
Joke Of The Day
Once upon a time, there was a mighty Chief. He was the most respected man his tribe had ever known. He had battled enemies from all over the known world and beaten them all. But the Chief also had a dark secret: He could not fart. Every night, all the warriors would sit around the dinner table telling stories, drinking, eating, and then farting and laughing out loudly. But when the farting began, the Chief was always silent.
One day, he decided he had had enough. The Chief sent his most trusted messenger to a witchdoctor to find a cure. The faithful messenger traveled over rugged mountains, across treacherous swampland, and through thick forests. Finally, a week later, he arrived at the witchdoctor's house. He banged on the door and it opened.
"BIG CHIEF, NO FART." Said the ragged messenger.
"Hmmm... I have something here for you." Replied the witchdoctor. "Here are seven pills. Give him one of these a day for a week, and he will soon be able to fart like a normal man." The messenger traveled back home and gave the pills to the anxiously waiting chief, who took them as instructed. Nothing happened. Again the messenger traveled to the witchdoctor and banged on the door.
"BIG CHIEF, NO FART!" bellowed the messenger
"Ok, calm down" replied the witchdoctor. "We'll just double the dosage. Here are fourteen pills. Give him two of these every day for a week, and it's sure to do the trick."
Again, two weeks later, there was a knock on the door. This time the messenger had brought several warriors with him, a clear sign that failure would no longer be accepted.
"BIG CHIEF, NO FART!" screamed the messenger
"OK! Here is the entire bottle. Give these to the chief. Tell him to eat these until he cannot even swallow them anymore! With a dosage like this, I guarantee you results!" said the panicked withdoctor, now afraid for his life. Satisfied, the messenger and his warriors left for home. The witchdoctor breathed a sigh of relief as the messenger and his warriors headed away.
But, amazingly, two weeks later, the witchdoctor heard a furious pounding on his door. Looking through the peephole, he saw the messenger, dressed in war gear, joined by the entire army: dressed in war paint and waving their torches and weapons in the air. Knowing it was all over, the witchdoctor slowly opened the door.
"I'm telling you!! he stammered. Those pills work! I don't know what could possibly have happened! I have used them many times before!"
The messenger just stands there, so furious that he is unable to speak.
"Please," says the witchdoctor, "tell me what happened."
Finally the messenger speaks up, gathering himself and lifting up his spear, his eyes red with rage:
"BIG FART, NO CHIEF" growls the messenger.
Quote Of The Day
A new study shows that the phrase most often used by president Obama is, "Let me be clear."
The phrase he uses the least often? "Let me be specific." ~ Jay Leno
The phrase he uses the least often? "Let me be specific." ~ Jay Leno
Obama Can Talk to Ahmadinejad But Not Chris Wallace
CNN Panelist Marisa Guthrie: Obama can talk to Ahmadinejad but not Chris Wallace. Is Obama afraid of Fox News?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Golf Balls, Pebbles, Sand and Beer
A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a jar of pebbles and poured them into the the large jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the large jar and of course filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions----things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, " there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. "Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." After a few moments of silence in the classroom, one of the students raised their hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
The professor then picked up a jar of pebbles and poured them into the the large jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the large jar and of course filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions----things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, " there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. "Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." After a few moments of silence in the classroom, one of the students raised their hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Joke Of The Day
Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said ,
"I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car door.
Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment."
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an A-hole and a briefcase!"
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Is Obama Poised to Cede US Sovereignty?
America... rise up now and stop this Marxist buffoon in the White House!
Pass this on!
On October 14, Lord Christopher Monckton, a noted climate change skeptic, gave a presentation at Bethel University in St. Paul, MN. In this 4 minute excerpt from his speech, he issues a dire warning to all Americans regarding the United Nations Climate Change Treaty, scheduled to be signed in Copenhagen in December 2009. A draft of the petition can be read here.
Lord Monckton served as a policy adviser to Margaret Thatcher. He has repeatedly challenged Al Gore to a debate to which Gore has refused. Monckton sued to stop Gore's film "An Inconvenient Truth" from being shown in British schools due to its inaccuracies. The judge found in-favor of Monckton, ordering 9 serious errors in the film to be corrected. Lord Monckton travels internationally in an attempt to educating the public about the myth of global warming.
Pass this on!
On October 14, Lord Christopher Monckton, a noted climate change skeptic, gave a presentation at Bethel University in St. Paul, MN. In this 4 minute excerpt from his speech, he issues a dire warning to all Americans regarding the United Nations Climate Change Treaty, scheduled to be signed in Copenhagen in December 2009. A draft of the petition can be read here.
Lord Monckton served as a policy adviser to Margaret Thatcher. He has repeatedly challenged Al Gore to a debate to which Gore has refused. Monckton sued to stop Gore's film "An Inconvenient Truth" from being shown in British schools due to its inaccuracies. The judge found in-favor of Monckton, ordering 9 serious errors in the film to be corrected. Lord Monckton travels internationally in an attempt to educating the public about the myth of global warming.
Joke Of The Day
What's the difference between a zoo and the White House?A zoo has an African lion.
The White House has a lyin’ African.
Hee Haw - Pfft You Were Gone
The entertainment for this weekend is this video, a collection of celebrities joining in on "Pfft You Were Gone", from Hee Haw's 10th Anniversary Celebration.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thomas Paine: The Broken Common Bond
Thomas Paine argues for a restoration of the common bond over diversity.
Joke Of The Day: Quasimodo's Replacement
After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but... "He's a dead ringer for his brother."
The Definition of Specific Tools
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make framing studs too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new> brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: 'Son of a bitch TOOL'
SON OF A BITCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make framing studs too short.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new> brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: 'Son of a bitch TOOL'
SON OF A BITCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Quote Of The Day
Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group of investors who were trying to buy the St. Louis Rams.
Speculation was that Limbaugh was considered by the league to be too controversial, you know, unlike Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, Plaxico Burress... ~ Jay Leno
Speculation was that Limbaugh was considered by the league to be too controversial, you know, unlike Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, Plaxico Burress... ~ Jay Leno
Friday, October 16, 2009
White House Communications Director Anita Dunn Praises Mao Tse-Tung
Both Obama and Anita Dunn share a favorite philosopher. No wonder he hired her!
Previously:
Evaluation: "Righteous Wind" - Obama Quotes Chairman Mao
Previously:
Evaluation: "Righteous Wind" - Obama Quotes Chairman Mao
Mr. Obama Tear Down This Wall!
This is very inspirational footage taken from the 9/12 march on Washington.
Pass it on to fellow Patriots!
Pass it on to fellow Patriots!
Hoax: "Balloon Boy" Falcon Henne Admits: "We Did This For The Show"
Hours after he worried America sick into thinking he was in a runaway balloon flying over Colorado, while all the time he was just hiding in the attic, 6-year-old Falcon Henne, aka "Balloon Boy", told Wolf Blitzer "We did this for the show."
In this scene, Falcon admits that he heard his parents calling him, but declined to come out of the garage.
At 0:40, he mutters, "We did this for the show."
This leads father Richard to try and explain what he just said. "Whenever we tell him things like, it's a bad thing to do, he does go and hide," he says.
Here is more of the interview. This is excruciating to watch.
In this scene, Falcon admits that he heard his parents calling him, but declined to come out of the garage.
At 0:40, he mutters, "We did this for the show."
This leads father Richard to try and explain what he just said. "Whenever we tell him things like, it's a bad thing to do, he does go and hide," he says.
Here is more of the interview. This is excruciating to watch.
Joke Of The Day: Mongolian VD
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning and his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results..
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Joke Of The Day
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
1. A few clowns short of a circus
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
3. An experiment in artificial stupidity
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
5. Dumber than a box of hair
6. A few peas short of a casserole
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
10. One taco short of a combo plate
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
12. All foam, no beer
13. The cheese slid off the cracker
14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel
15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
20. As smart as bait
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
29. If he had another brain it would be lonely
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control
31. No grain in the silo
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
33. Receiver is off the hook
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
35. Skylight leaks a little
36. Slinky's kinked
37. Surfing in Nebraska
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
R.I.P. Johnny Fontane
Singer Al Martino, who played the Frank Sinatra-type role of Johnny Fontane in "The Godfather" and recorded hits including "Spanish Eyes" and the Italian ballad "Volare" in a 50-year musical career, died Tuesday. He was 82.
Martino died at his childhood home in the Philadelphia suburb of Springfield, in Delaware County, according to publicist Sandy Friedman, of the Rogers & Cowan public relations firm. Friedman didn't cite a cause of death.
Starting in 1952, Martino was known for hit songs including "Here in My Heart" and "Can't Help Falling in Love."
Besides acting in the Marlon Brando classic "The Godfather," Martino sang the 1972 film's title score, "The Love Theme From The Godfather." His Fontane character is a singer and occasional actor and is the godson of Brando's Mafia boss character, Don Vito Corleone.
The Italian-American crooner, born Alfred Cini, was one of a number of South Philadelphia-born singers, including Bobby Rydell, Frankie Avalon, Fabian and Chubby Checker. He also was a longtime resident of Beverly Hills, Calif.
Philadelphia radio and television personality Jerry Blavat dined with Martino and his wife on Monday night. Blavat told the Philadelphia Daily News that Martino appeared to be in fine shape and that he was shocked when he learned of the singer's death.
"He was the last of the show business legends," said Blavat, who has played Martino's songs on the radio for years. "There's nobody else. The last of the performers. A magnificent voice."
Source...
Joke Of The Day: Selling Bibles
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"
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