Joke Of The Day

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Question Of The Day

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to anger him.

Obama Admits "We Can't Control Nature"

Barack Obama on the Chilean earthquake, "We can't control nature."

...Except, of course, for non-existent Global Warming!

Keep America in Space: Why Space Matters

America's future workforce speaks out on the need to continue to invest in the space program.

Cartoon Of The Day

Joke Of The Day

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Word and Phrase Origins

Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be shittin' me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country. Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead!"

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired, wet, exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!"

Poster Of The Day: Ass Xing

Source...

Cartoon Of The Day: Obama Consults the GOP

Obama Picks His Nose on Live TV

In the spirit of the Olympics, Obama goes for the gold!

Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting

Joke Of The Day

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”

The second one says: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.”

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!”

Cartoon Of The Day

Picture Of The Day

President Obama honored the Burger King for his delicious burgers and super creepiness.

Source...

Previously:
Cartoon Of The Day: The Burger King Bow

Headlines In The Year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwest united states crop and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered Nation.

Castro finally dies at the age of 112, Cuban cigars can now be imported legally. But Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal service raises prices of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

An 85 year $75.8 billion study: Diet is the key to weight lose.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every high school in the United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

The average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches.

New federal law requires all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets a tax rate of 75%.

Joke Of The Day

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, they're crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It isn't as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed, stopped shaking, and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. ........ By the way, what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Cartoon Of The Day

Heated Seats

I have always loved "Gas Guzzling Cars" for their comfort and safety. I took out a Cadillac Escalade for a test drive the other day just to drive one before they become extinct.

The salesman sat in the front seat describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car. He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

Lincoln vs Obama

I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and Lincoln?

You may be surprised.

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and B. H. Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration... Obama used
the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois ... Obama comes from Illinois .

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature... Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President... Obama had very little experience before becoming President..

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration... Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer... Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a staunch Republican... Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected... Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States ... Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was honest, so honest that he was called Honest Abe... Obama is a skinny lawyer

11. Lincoln saved the United States .... Obama is a skinny lawyer

Top Gear - Middle Aged Man Wig Test

What happens when you hit middle age? You buy a sports car convertible. Better get a decent wig to go with it!

Joke Of The Day

A private was short of rifles and in despair asks his captain what to do.

The captain says "take this broom and when you see your enemy, point it at him and say 'bang bang bangity bang'"

So the private goes out and surely he sees an enemy and shouts 'bang bang bangity bang' and the enemy falls to the ground dead.

The next day the private is yet again stressed that they don't have any knives for close combat so he asks the captain again what to do. He said: "Take this string and wave it at the enemy and say 'stab stab stabity stab," reluctant again he goes out crawling along the floor, sees an enemy and shouts: stab stab stabity stab and then surely he falls to the ground with a stab wound.

The next day he's out and sees an enemy coming towards him. He shouts 'bang bang bangity bang' nothing. He then shouts 'stab stab stabity stab' still nothing. The enemy then plows over the private and says 'tank tank tankity tank'

Cartoon Of The Day

Dallas Tea Party Invites Olbermann look-a-likes at MSNBC

This is fantastic!

Poster Of The Day

Clothing Drive

This is another fantastic commercial for Bud Light. It is the follow up to the extremely successful Swear Jar commercial they made for Bud Light two years ago.

Hat tip the Ellis family

Female Wolf Spider With Babies

Enjoy!

Joke Of The Day

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.""Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.""Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.."When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Cartoon Of The Day

R.I.P. Daddy the Pit Bull

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Cesar Millan, all his family and friends, his staff and volunteers, and dog lovers all around the world today will mourn the passing of one of the most loyal, trusting, well-balanced, and influential pit bull ambassadors the world has ever known. Daddy, Cesar’s longtime friend and partner in canine rehabilitation, died peacefully surrounded by family on Friday the 19th of February. He was sixteen years old.

Read more...

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ObamaCare - America's fallen and can't get up!

Joke Of The Day

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"


"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Harry Reid's Great-Great Uncle

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher here in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

"ONE DEGREE"

Cartoon Of The Day

Joke Of The Day

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes:

'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his "thing" one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his "thing" two hundred fifty times.

An American Success Story

My grandfather used to tell a story about a country boy who went to the big city to seek his fortune, but had no luck finding a job. One day, wandering through a bad section of the city, he spotted a Help Wanted sign in the window of a Brothel.

They were looking for a bookkeeper, but after the madam quizzed the boy about his education and discovered that he could neither read or write, she turned him away.

Feeling sorry for him, she gave him two big red apples as he left. A few blocks down the street, he placed the apples on top of a garbage can while tying his shoe, and a stranger came along and offered to buy them.

The boy took the money to a produce market and bought a dozen more apples, which he sold quickly. Eventually he parlayed his fruit sales into a grocery store, then a string of supermarkets. Eventually he became the wealthiest man in the state.

Finally he was named Man of the Year, and during an interview a journalist discovered that this man could neither read or write.

"Good Lord, Sir," he said. "What do you suppose you would have become if you had ever learned to read and write?"

"Well," he answered, "I guess I would have been a bookkeeper in a whorehouse."

Governmental Flow Chart

Glenn Beck’s 2010 CPAC Keynote Address

This was Glenn Becks "Sermon on the Mount". It was inspirational as well as educational and it will be historic!

He said everything that any true blooded concerned and informed conservative should say and then some!

Enjoy!

Cartoon Of The Day

Mudslides in Italy

My wife has relatives in Calabria that were affected by these mudslides.

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A massive mudslide has swept through an Italian town after heavy rains saturated the ground.

Footage of the slide was captured in the town of Maierato, in the region of Calabria.
Around 200 residents of the southern Italian town were evacuated after the enormous landslide tore down pylons and wrecked buildings.

No deaths or injuries have been reported.

According to an initial investigation made by Italian civil defence officials, the landslide could have been caused by heavy rains in the Calabria region.

Local residents had to be evacuated and taken to the police school of Vibo Valentia, the closest city.

The events in Maierato are surrounded by more than 100 smaller landslides in the Calabria region - all caused by heavy rains, according to reports in Italy.

The country has a history of terrifying landslides. In October 2009, 29 people were killed in the Sicilian city of Messina and a state of emergency was declared by the Italian government.

Source...

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Joke Of The Day

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right there.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... Get the hell away from me!'

US Census is Getting Personal!

This is an expose' of the Census Bureau. This video itemizes the fundamental legal questions that the Census Bureau refuses or fails to answer about its collection and use of personal information from every American.

Recognition of George W Bush by the Obama Administration

The Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates beneath Haiti after him.

The area will now officially be referred to as "Bush's Fault".

Christina Aguilera Performing "Lift Me Up"

The entertainment for this weekend: Christina Aguilera's vocally perfect performance of "Lift Me Up" from her forthcoming album, Bionic at the Hope for Haiti Now telethon.

Enjoy!

Cartoon Of The Day

Krauthammer and Limbaugh Explain The Debt Reduction Task Force

Rhetoric vs. Results: Exploring the Democrat Record on Jobs

The Office of House Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA) today issued a video news release that contrasts the Democrats' $862 billion failed stimulus with the reality faced by millions of Americans.

A Texas Flashlight

Very Cool!

Joke Of The Day

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

Cartoon Of The Day

How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist

I thought you might like to know "How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist".

His name is:

"YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN"

The "Buffalo Theory" of Beer

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

Joke Of The Day

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Cartoon Of The Day

Symptoms Of The Bird Flu

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield

Donald Trump Wants Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize Stripped

"Al Gore... YOU’RE FIRED!"

Joke Of The Day

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been seeing each other for a while.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather
tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

Sweatin' With the Socialists

Get your copy today. An exercise video that will keep you up on your feet for hours to the voice of your favorite president, Barack Obama! Join Nancy Pelosi as she leads you through thousands of annoying exuberant clapping exercises to the voice of President Obama. Spring into action as Pelosi keeps you on your feet during this highly engaging video.

Cartoon Of The Day

The Confession of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

Can you say enemy combatant?

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On March 10, 2007, Khalid Sheikh Muhammad stood before a U.S. military Combatant Status Review Tribunal to determine if he met the criteria to be classified as an “enemy combatant.” The public record of the hearing consists of a 26-page transcript (redacted pdf) and a 54:12-minute recording (redacted mpg).

If you listen to the tape or watch the video (above), it’s clear that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed understood the difference between information he surrendered while under duress and information he volunteered while not under duress, stating four times that he felt no force or coercion to offer his confession.

Source...

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Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

Joke Of The Day

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it.... Just gargle and gargle".

2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.

Woman: "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

The Assault Breacher Vehicle

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In comes "The Joker."

That's the nickname given by the crew to one of the 72-ton, 40-foot (12-meter)-long Assault Breacher Vehicles. Fitted with a plow and nearly 7,000 pounds (3,175 kilograms) of explosives, the Breachers, as they are commonly known, are the Marines Corps' answer to the deadliest threat facing NATO troops in Afghanistan: thousands of land mines and roadside bombs, or improvised explosive devices, that litter the Afghan landscape.

The Breachers, metal monsters that look like a tank with a cannon, carry a 15-foot (4.5-meter) -wide plow supported by metallic skis that glide on the dirt, digging a safety lane through the numerous minefields laid by the Taliban.

If there are too many mines, the Breachers can fire rockets carrying high-grade C-4 explosive up to 150 yards (meters) forward, detonating the hidden bombs at a safe distance so that troops and vehicles can pass through safely.

The detonations — over 1,700 pounds (770 kilograms) of Mine Clearing Line Charges — send a sheet fire into the air and shock waves rippling through the desert in all directions.

Reporters watched the "Breacher" in action Wednesday as Marines edged closer to Marjah, a southern Taliban stronghold that NATO commanders plan to attack in the coming days in the largest joint NATO-Afghan operation of the Afghan war. Troops are expected to face a massive threat from mines and roadside bombs as they push into Marjah, 380 miles (610 kilometers) southwest of Kabul.

"This may be the largest IED threat and largest minefield that NATO has ever faced," says Brig Gen. Larry Nicholson, the commander of all Marines in southern Afghanistan.

Several Breachers — including "The Joker" and its twin "Iceman" — will be used in the Marjah assault. Commanders hope they will make a huge difference as troops pierce through layer after layer of minefields circling the town.

"I consider it to be a truly lifesaving weapon," said Gunnery Sgt. Steven Sanchez, 38, leader of a platoon from the 2nd Marines Combat Engineers Battalion.

A cross between a bulldozer and Abrams tank with a 1,500-horsepower turbine engine, Breachers are so valuable that they only travel outside bases along with a tank retrieval vehicle to drag them to safety if they are damaged.

Sanchez's platoon drove Breachers in their first combat operation in December, when Marines reclaimed a section of the heavily mined Now Zad valley farther north in Helmand province. "We made history, and the Breacher did well," says Sanchez, of Palm Desert, Calif.

"I'm happy to see that this monster is on our side," said Rahim Ullah, a machine gunner in the Afghan army unit that will fight alongside the Marines.

A few kinks are yet to be worked but before the Breachers are entirely up to speed. Two charges fired by "The Joker" and "Iceman" on Wednesday didn't go off automatically, forcing one of their crew to dismount and trigger the explosives themselves.

Developed by the Marines since the 1990s and costing US$3.5 million apiece, the Breacher still has room for improvement, Sanchez admits.

"It's not in the testing phase anymore, but it sure as hell still is in the deployment phase," he said, adding that all the Marines serving on his Breacher platoon are volunteers and intent on improving the new weapon.

"I'm convinced it's going to prove itself in Marjah," Sanchez said.

Many on his platoon believe the Breacher has already proven its worth. The Joker's vehicle commander, Cpl.Michael Turner, 21, of Provo, Utah, says his Breacher works even better than he'd thought during training.

"She's surprisingly easy to operate," Turner said. His vehicle can travel at 50 miles (80 kilometers) per hour. When plowing for bombs, it can still move at 5 to 8 mph (8 to 13 kph), depending on the terrain — all the while digging up the dirt 14 inches (36 centimeters) deep.

"That's plenty enough to get the IEDs," said Turner, because any explosive buried deeper is unlikely to be triggered by a vehicle driving by.

The Joker's driver, Sgt. Jeremy Kinsey, 23, from Sunny Side, Washington, even triggered a live IED during his Breacher's first combat outing in December. The 60-pound (27-kilogram) bomb exploded on his plow, powerful enough to rip out a tire or an axle from a normal armored vehicle.

The Breacher barely registered. "It shook slightly," Kinsey said. "I laughed and I drove on."

Source...

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Cartoon Of The Day

The Al-Gebra Movement

A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

Staff Sgt Barry Sadler - The Ballad Of The Green Berets

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The timing of Staff Sgt. Barry Sadler's number-one smash "The Ballad of the Green Berets" couldn't have been more impeccable.

Released in early 1966, when anti-war sentiment was beginning to swell, "The Ballad of the Green Berets" tapped into an enormous wellspring of patriotic fervor among Americans who were tired of the dissent and ambiguity surrounding Vietnam, and desperately wanted confirmation of America's heroism and moral virtue; that they were on the right side.

Sadler was the perfect man to supply it: he was himself a member of the Green Berets, the Army's elite Special Forces unit, and a wounded Vietnam veteran who wanted to pay tribute to his comrades in arms.

Although "The Ballad of the Green Berets" was the biggest hit single of 1966, Sadler never duplicated its blockbuster success, and soon retired from music to become a successful author.

Source...

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Joke Of The Day

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Cartoon Of The Day

A Quiz For People Who Know Everything

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."


Answers To Quiz:


1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .. Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw .. Dwarf, Dwell and Dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S".
Shoes, Socks, Sandals, Sneakers, Slippers, Skis, Skates, Snowshoes, Stockings, Stilts.

How to Complete a Census

This is a classic skit from Saturday Night Live featuring Christopher Walken as a man who gets a visit from the U.S. Census Bureau.

Cartoon Of The Day

Blonde Joke Of The Day

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Cartoon Of The Day

'Crabzilla': The Biggest Crab Ever Seen in Britain

The crab bears a striking resemblance to the Federal Government!

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With its enormous legs and lethal claws, this monster of the deep is already the biggest crab ever seen in Britain.

But astonishingly, the arthropod - which measures a staggering 10ft from claw to claw - is still growing, and could live until it is 100.

Nicknamed 'Crabzilla' after the fictional giant monster, the Japanese Spider Crab has a body the size of a basketball and its legs can straddle a car. They will eventually measure a massive 15ft.

Read more...

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The Deer Hunter and ObamaCare

The people in Schuylkill County Pennsylvania have a great sense of humor.

This is the pull off at SR 61 and Adamsdale Rd. A deer was hit there.

The couch was dumped there previously.

Day two the deer was on the couch.

Day three the end table and lamp showed up.

Day four the TV and TV stand showed up.

A State Trooper had to call PENN DOT because of all the people stopping to take pictures.

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE SIGN.

The cardboard caption in front of the deer on the couch reads:

"Sorry Hunters.
Obama ruined healthcare.
We can't afford to have injured hunters on our conscience
Stayed home
Sorry, the Deer."

Joke Of The Day

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there for a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle--a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening--red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze--perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her, "I haven't had sex for six months."

Nancy coquettishly batted her eyes and asked, "Why, is there anything that I can do for you?"

"Uh, as a matter of fact, yes. Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Abbott & Costello Explain Obama's Stimulus Plan For Workers

Abbott & Costello Explain Obama's Stimulus Plan.

Enjoy!

Grade Obama's First Year in Office

I'm surprised CBS allowed this Poll to go up.

Hurry up and vote before they take it down. The results are amazing!

NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018

Blonde Joke Of The Day

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Cartoon Of The Day

Goodbye Miss America (a hippie's got his finger on the button)

Ever wonder where all those hippies went? Yeah, me neither. But a bunch of these "Utopian hair-growers" are now elected officials in our nation's capitol. Free Love is now Free Health Care. Make no mistake, all hippies didn't look like the homeless cousin of big foot... which brings us to the most dangerous hippie of all.... The Ivy League Hippie. These guys are using our constitution for rolling papers. And we're gonna have to put a stop to it.

Joke Of The Day

A flat chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest say 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?' 'Yes I am……… How did you know?' He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...'