Monday, February 28, 2011
Random Riddle
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You're in a mansion and the power's out. You see a green door and a red door. Pick one (it doesn't matter which.) Now you see a purple door and a orange door. Pick one (again, it doesn't matter which you pick). Now you see a door with a golden handle and a door with a silver handle. Pick one. You finally come to some signs on three doors. One says "Death from drowning," another says "Death from machine guns," and the last one says "Death from electric chair." Then you see a big sign off to the side that says "Or stay in the mansion and starve to death." What do you choose and still live?
Thank God For The Internet
Video Description:
Hon. James David Manning, PhD says the Birthers are doing a great job because Oprah Winfrey is back campaigning for Barack Hussein "Long Legged Mack Daddy" Obama.
"Reality Check"
All Politicians need a reality check and a Boot in the ass!
Video Description:
Video Description:
Our gross national debt is $14.1 trillion, and we are in a spending-driven debt crisis. Democrats need a reality check.
Joke Of The Day
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said. " I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for the week, and when I return, I expect it to be finished."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to see the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" Screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for." Said the artist smugly.
"No I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts."
"And there you have it" Said the artist. "I call it holy cow, look at all those f***ing Indians."
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The New 2011 - 2012 Tax Code
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2011, the penis will now be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2011, the penis will now be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
200 Giant Spiders, Termites, Snakes and a Gecko Feast on Man
A MAN was found dead in his apartment draped in spider webs and more than 200 spiders, several snakes, thousands of termites, and a gecko were feasting on his corpse.
Mark Voegel, 30, was found dead in Dortmund, Germany.
Authorities were alerted when concerned neighbours noticed a horrendous stench emanating from the apartment.
His black widow, Bettina, is believed to have administered the deadly bite.
Voeger's apartment has been described as both a "zoo" and a "jungle" by authorities. He never let people visit.
A police spokesman said, according to the Sun: “It was like a horror movie. His corpse was over the sofa. Giant webs draped him, spiders were all over him.
They were coming out of his nose and his mouth. There was everything there one could imagine in the world of reptiles. Larger pieces of flesh torn off by the lizards were scooped up and taken back to the webs of tarantulas and other bird-eating spiders.”
The spiders and termites managed to escape when the heating elements exploded and opened the lids to their tanks.
The lizards were allowed to roam.
Voegel also kept a pet boa constricter and several poisonous frogs.
He was dead for somewhere between seven and fourteen days when his corpse was found, enough time for the creepy-crawlies to make a new home out of his apartment.
Source...
Reminds me of this:
Barack Hussein Obama Waving Grudgingly
Waving is an odd thing, if you think about it. It's like, Hello, look, here is my hand. I'm moving it all around because we can see each other! Most people don't wave that often, but President Obama does it all the time, whether for a crowd or a camera. Not because he necessarily wants to, but because it's expected of him. The president is supposed to be a friendly and folksy character, and waving as if he gives a shit helps to foster such an image. Usually, Obama pulls it off just fine, with a big happy grin. But sometimes, he just can't fake it, and the look on his face reveals how grudgingly and unenthusiastically he is performing this charade for us.
Read more...
Random Riddle
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| Hold your mouse over for the answer. |
I end the race. I am the beginning of the end. The start of eternity and the end of space. There are two of me in Heaven and one in hell. I am in water, fire, sunshine and darkness. I am the beginning of earth and the end of life.
What am I?
What am I?
Joke Of The Day
President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Rep. Jerrold Nadler - Porker of the Month
Video Description:
Reason.tv presents Citizens Against Government Waste's Porker of the Month for February 2011:
Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY)!
Rep. Nadler is pushing full steam ahead on a $53 billion spending spree for High Speed Rail projects. This of course is after the 8 billion spent on High Speed Rail in the stimulus bill. Both barely begin to cover the estimated $500 billion dollars required for the plan, which many state governments have already rejected due to the massive cost.
Congratulations Rep. Nadler, you are Citizens Against Government Waste's Porkers of the Month for February, 2011!
Obama’s Friends and Enemies
Video Description:
President Obama and his administration's contempt for our traditional allies, coupled with his comfort with our traditional adversaries can no longer be attributed to inexperience, or even incompetence. It must be due to ideology.
Games For The Elderly
Here are some games that our seniors can play in the nursing home...
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
Joke Of The Day
A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Muslim Brotherhood Leader: Iran is Our Role Model
This should end the debate regarding wheter the Muslim Brotherhood is peaceful or not.
Random Riddle
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| Hold your mouse over for the answer. |
What part of the bird can fly in the sky, swim in the ocean and still stay dry?
Museum Curator: New Home Movie of JFK Donated
Video Description:
A home movie of President John F. Kennedy the day before his 1963 assassination has surfaced. Roy Botello shot the color film as the president was appearing at a hotel in Houston. The silent film was donated to the Sixth Floor Museum in Dallas.
Joke Of The Day
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your um, little friend?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your little friend. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX. You can guess why.”
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!”.
The cowboy, desperate for a beer after weeks of riding on the trail, thinks for a minute.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of mine is Secret. Now give me my damn beer!”
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Alex Tanney Trick Shot Quarterback
Monmouth College quarterback Alex Tanney shows off his skills in the off season.
Woman Attacks Roommate Over Girl Scout Cookies
A Florida woman allegedly went ballistic on her roommate because she believed the woman had gobbled her Girl Scout cookies.
Hersha Howard was arrested Sunday after a battle royale that ravaged the entire apartment, according to police.
The 31-year-old Naples resident allegedly first attacked Jasmin Wanke around 1 a.m. while she was sleeping – launching an angry rant about missing Thin Mints, Wanke told authorities.
The chocolate-coated mint wafers are one of the most popular of the Girl Scout varieties, and are only available once a year.
The two argued about the cookies, then Wanke claims Howard – who according to the police report weighs 400 pounds – jumped on her and hit her in the face. They fought until Wanke's husband pulled them apart.
Howard then allegedly chased after Wanke with a pair of scissors, police were told. Howard ditched the cutting implements, however, and instead picked up a board and whacked Wanke.
The fight moved into the kitchen, where Howard allegedly hurled her heft at Wanke again. As they fought, Howard bit Wanke's breast and struck her several times.
Wanke's husband once against separated the pair, and kept Howard restrained until cops arrived, police said.
Howard was charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.
Source...
Random Riddle
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| Hold your mouse over for the answer. |
Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael j. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, the Pope doesn't use his, and Clinton uses his all the time. What is it?
Lewis and Clark's Secret Weapon
Lewis and Clark's secret weapon - a late 18th Century .46 cal. 20 shot repeating air rifle by Girandoni, as used in the Napoleonic Wars. A Treasure Gun from the NRA National Firearms Museum.
Joke Of The Day
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Jacobs, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr. Jacobs. “And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A Tale of Two Twins
A story book unfolds the incredible tale of a pair of identical twins who, after one of them embarking on an intergalactic journey at near the speed of light, age at vastly different rates. Intrigued by the seemingly impossible situation, the narrators invite the audience into a lively chat on special relativity concepts, such as time dilation and nonequivalent reference frames, that are the culprits behind Einstein’s famous Twin Paradox.
A Tale of Two Twins from Yuanjian Luo on Vimeo.
Random Riddle
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| Hold your mouse over for the answer. |
A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a “no left turn” sign, and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still – he didn’t break any traffic laws. Why not?
Joke Of The Day
"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station. "An Irishman molested me!""How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the Sergeant at the desk.
"I had to help him" she gasped.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Rumsfeld: POTUS 'Has Made a Practice of Trying to Apologize for America'
Donald Rumsfeld answers this Liberal host's question with the perfect answer.
Obama's Budget Proposal: What could you do with $3.73 trillion?
Video Description:
Congressman Patrick McHenry (NC-10) illustrates the sheer magnitude of President Obama's $3,728,686,000,000 budget proposal - and discusses how House Republicans are listening to the American people by cutting spending to create jobs.
Random Riddle
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| Hold your mouse over for the answer. |
There is a barrel with no lid and some wine in it. “This barrel of wine is more than half full,” said Curly. “No it’s not,” says Mo. “It’s less than half full.”Without any measuring implements and without removing any wine from the barrel, how can they easily determine who is correct?
Awkward Situation Room - Passive / Aggressive
Check out the latest Politizoid release from RightChange.com, "Awkward Situation Room - Passive / Aggressive" featuring Mr. Obama in his own words against Mr. Obama, again in his own words. Yes this is his actual quotes and his voice!
Joke Of The Day
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a Fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station...
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day to yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a moment...
Then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
Monday, February 21, 2011
My First Babysitter
I found an old picture of me with my first babysitter. My psychiatrist told me this is when my problems began.
101 Things To Do At A Supermarket
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this s**t, anyway?"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Bat cave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
43. Two words: "Marco Polo."
44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."
53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.
55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."
59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
64. Pay off lay aways fifty cents at a time.
65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.
71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag
72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"
73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes
74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices
75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane
76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)
77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saying "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
78. Use a conveyor belt as a treadmill and lose some weight
79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.
80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.
81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section
82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.
83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.
84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.
85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.
86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smiley face!"
87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use White-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.
88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught
89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.
90. Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."
91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.
92. Rearrange items as you see fit.
93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.
94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs
95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)
96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recommended)
97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.
98. Follow someone until they notice
99. Pull out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial
100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.
101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this s**t, anyway?"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Bat cave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
43. Two words: "Marco Polo."
44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."
53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.
55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."
59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
64. Pay off lay aways fifty cents at a time.
65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.
71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag
72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"
73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes
74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices
75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane
76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)
77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saying "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
78. Use a conveyor belt as a treadmill and lose some weight
79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.
80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.
81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section
82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.
83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.
84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.
85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.
86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smiley face!"
87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use White-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.
88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught
89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.
90. Repeatedly say "The clowns are not eating me."
91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.
92. Rearrange items as you see fit.
93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.
94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs
95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)
96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recommended)
97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.
98. Follow someone until they notice
99. Pull out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial
100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.
101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.
for their upcoming DVD.Random Riddle
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My thunder rolls beneath me, my lightning flares above. I dust the crust, and when I bust, all I touch will I shove.
What am I?
What am I?
Joke Of The Day
Three old men are in a retirement home moaning. "I wish i was able to pee without feeling pain." says one.
"I'm so constipated, I never have a regular bowel movement anymore." Says the 2nd.
" That's nothing ," Says the 3rd." Every morning I have pee at 6am and then a bowel movement at 6.30am."
"What are you moaning about then."
"I don't wake up til 7am."
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Random Riddle
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I build up castles.
I tear down mountains.
I make some men blind,
I help others to see.
What am I?
I tear down mountains.
I make some men blind,
I help others to see.
What am I?
Americans Say Reagan Is the Greatest U.S. President
A new Gallup Poll finds that Ronald Reagan is the greatest President.
Ahead of Presidents Day 2011, Americans are most likely to say Ronald Reagan was the nation's greatest president -- slightly ahead of Abraham Lincoln and Bill Clinton. Reagan, Lincoln, or John F. Kennedy has been at the top of this "greatest president" list each time this question has been asked in eight surveys over the last 12 years.
Source...
What the West Would Have Been Like With Shetland Ponies
What if the only horse everybody had in the Wild West was a Shetland Pony?
Flight Of The Bumblebee On 101 Bottles
Enjoy!
Video Description:
Video Description:
An attempt to make my abundance of empty bottles into something slightly more useful!
Obama Leads SEIU Chant After Vowing to Paint the Nation Purple
This is just a little reminder of who Barack Hussein Obama is and what he really stands for.
Via iOwnTheWorld
Via iOwnTheWorld
Joke Of The Day
I bought a PENIS ENLARGER from eBay for $50. I sure wish I could get my money back!
The bastards sent me a MAGNIFYING GLASS!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Random Riddle
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When asked how old she was, Mary replied, “In two years I will be twice as old as I was five years ago.”
How old is she?
How old is she?
Amazing Water Trick! How to Suspend Water Without a Cup!
Video Description:
An amusing trick you can perform with water! Show this video to your friends!
In fact, why not show it to everyone you ever knew?
I highly encourage you to try this trick yourself.
Enjoy!
The Spirit of Mount Vernon: The Return of George Washington's Whiskey
Video Description:
Many know George Washington as a general and statesman, but few think of America's first president as a preeminent entrepreneur, operating the most successful whiskey distillery in the late 18th century. At its height, Washington's distillery produced over 11,000 gallons of liquor a year, supplying the surrounding area and becoming one of his most lucrative business ventures.
At Washington's former plantation, Mount Vernon, a group of historic interpreters are looking to bring this story to a wider audience. Thanks to a fully functioning replica of Washington's distillery (and special dispensation from the Virginia General Assembly), George Washington's rye whiskey is once again being made and sold to the public.
In November, Reason.tv followed the entire process as Dave Pickerell, Master Distiller and former Vice President of Operations for Maker's Mark, and Steve Bashore, Mount Vernon Distillery Manager, oversaw a two week production run while adhering as strictly as possible to 18th century means and methods. The result is an 80-proof reminder of the nation's first president and the entrepreneurial ideals of colonial America.
Joke Of The Day
Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!
Friday, February 18, 2011
How Does The Referee Train
Funny commercial that explains, in a humorous manor, How a ref learns to take it.
Random Riddle
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If a wheel has 64 spokes, how many spaces are there between the spokes?
Joke Of The Day
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church, sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Thursday, February 17, 2011
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